Why will he not meet my eyes? Perhaps my words have offended him, or simply embarrassed him with their emotion. I will not press the point -
"I missed - our other intimacy very much at first. My - tastes have changed, in these intervening years, and you are right that I am more glad in the friendship we have now than the relationship we had before, because it is - more manly, more true." I am resigned to that, and so I nod, ignoring the small clench in my chest. No man can hold back time, or the changes it brings to men.
But it seems that there is more, and his breath and his words do not come easily. "But I have not forgotten - I am not altogether changed."
Though he looks at me straight, there is a shyness in his gaze, and it moves me. Moves me more that there is that lingering sentiment in him, the old desire. It is not surprising, perhaps, that returning to the site and fellows of his boyhood should put him back in such a mind. And I cannot say it is not flattering.
I put my hand on his, and I will confess I feel warm, that it makes the blood flow so that I harden. But I am remembering the softer body of his youth. It would be strange, I think, to lie on top of him as he is now, my member between those hardened thighs; it feels like a curious sort of perversity. I would not dishonour him so for a moment's gratification.
"It is understandable, given your return," I say. I had meant to make my voice kind; I do not know how it sounds to him. "And I am - gratified." I am not sure how to proceed. It disturbs me to think that he may have become a soft man, and I cannot see it in him. There is nothing of the flaunting cinadeus with his lizard-walk about him. Surely it is only a lingering boyish affection for me.
It brings a faint nausea into my throat, but it is not disgust for him. Shameful memories of my own rise, that I have long put away. My own fears, when I was growing into my manhood. I shake my head a little, but it is not at him.
"Allectus - I would not ask that of you. Come, kiss me as a friend, and I shall be content."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2010-10-21 08:21 pm (UTC)"I missed - our other intimacy very much at first. My - tastes have changed, in these intervening years, and you are right that I am more glad in the friendship we have now than the relationship we had before, because it is - more manly, more true." I am resigned to that, and so I nod, ignoring the small clench in my chest. No man can hold back time, or the changes it brings to men.
But it seems that there is more, and his breath and his words do not come easily. "But I have not forgotten - I am not altogether changed."
Though he looks at me straight, there is a shyness in his gaze, and it moves me. Moves me more that there is that lingering sentiment in him, the old desire. It is not surprising, perhaps, that returning to the site and fellows of his boyhood should put him back in such a mind. And I cannot say it is not flattering.
I put my hand on his, and I will confess I feel warm, that it makes the blood flow so that I harden. But I am remembering the softer body of his youth. It would be strange, I think, to lie on top of him as he is now, my member between those hardened thighs; it feels like a curious sort of perversity. I would not dishonour him so for a moment's gratification.
"It is understandable, given your return," I say. I had meant to make my voice kind; I do not know how it sounds to him. "And I am - gratified." I am not sure how to proceed. It disturbs me to think that he may have become a soft man, and I cannot see it in him. There is nothing of the flaunting cinadeus with his lizard-walk about him. Surely it is only a lingering boyish affection for me.
It brings a faint nausea into my throat, but it is not disgust for him. Shameful memories of my own rise, that I have long put away. My own fears, when I was growing into my manhood. I shake my head a little, but it is not at him.
"Allectus - I would not ask that of you. Come, kiss me as a friend, and I shall be content."