fortis cadere, cedere non potest
Oct. 21st, 2010 01:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
al_shairanSeveral years ago, when Flavius Sulpicius Allectus is a young man returning from serving as tribunus laticlavius in Parthia. Having been away from Excolo for three years, tonight he visits the house of his patron and friend, Potitus Icilius Tetricus Crassipes...
I stand in the atrium of Tetricus' house. It feels strange, almost stranger than my return to my own home. I spent so many evenings here that it was more a home to me in my late boyhood and early manhood than my own house, but it has been years since I have been here. It looks the same, and different, and I find I am nervous.
It is not a very manly thing, to feel this way, especially not for a returning soldier. I am in uniform - I have not been decommissioned yet, officially, and I also had the idea that Tetricus might like to see it before I put it away and seek out my next position as a quaestor. I think I am done with the army, but Tetricus got me there, and it might please him to see the cuirass and striped tunic I wore as tribune. And I have the sense that I look well in it, which should not really matter to me but somehow seems to. I am quite certain Tetricus and I have put our former relationship behind us. No man of his standing would want to continue - being with a man of my age in that way, and now I am no longer so very young I should not want it. The first few months in Parthia I found I did miss being in bed with him, but that faded as it should, as my own tastes changed and grew into manhood. I am not delighted now by the idea of lying back on a couch with a man on top of me. I had - other experiences in Parthia that showed me that. Those experiences were not altogether what one expects of an Excolan man, but I think I am in all other regards manly enough for people to turn a blind eye to it. What I found was that I missed him. Our friendship has grown in our absence from one another, which is strange. Perhaps it was easier to talk when he was not distracted by my beauty and I was not so shy of his status. It is easier, often, to be honest on the page. Or so I have found. We are friends now truly, I think, more than we were before. I hope that translates into everyday life. That alone must explain my nerves, surely.
Adjusting my helmet under my arm, I wait for the slave to return with Tetricus.
I stand in the atrium of Tetricus' house. It feels strange, almost stranger than my return to my own home. I spent so many evenings here that it was more a home to me in my late boyhood and early manhood than my own house, but it has been years since I have been here. It looks the same, and different, and I find I am nervous.
It is not a very manly thing, to feel this way, especially not for a returning soldier. I am in uniform - I have not been decommissioned yet, officially, and I also had the idea that Tetricus might like to see it before I put it away and seek out my next position as a quaestor. I think I am done with the army, but Tetricus got me there, and it might please him to see the cuirass and striped tunic I wore as tribune. And I have the sense that I look well in it, which should not really matter to me but somehow seems to. I am quite certain Tetricus and I have put our former relationship behind us. No man of his standing would want to continue - being with a man of my age in that way, and now I am no longer so very young I should not want it. The first few months in Parthia I found I did miss being in bed with him, but that faded as it should, as my own tastes changed and grew into manhood. I am not delighted now by the idea of lying back on a couch with a man on top of me. I had - other experiences in Parthia that showed me that. Those experiences were not altogether what one expects of an Excolan man, but I think I am in all other regards manly enough for people to turn a blind eye to it. What I found was that I missed him. Our friendship has grown in our absence from one another, which is strange. Perhaps it was easier to talk when he was not distracted by my beauty and I was not so shy of his status. It is easier, often, to be honest on the page. Or so I have found. We are friends now truly, I think, more than we were before. I hope that translates into everyday life. That alone must explain my nerves, surely.
Adjusting my helmet under my arm, I wait for the slave to return with Tetricus.
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no subject
Date: 2010-10-23 01:12 am (UTC)"Do you wish you had a lover when you were a boy?"
He did the same thing in his letters: go to the heart of what I have not said, swift and sure. "I would be different now," I say thoughtfully, "in this matter. I had - desires like those you speak of. Or no - "
Gods help me. I sit up a little, and it is hard for me to look at him. "I have not thought on it for many years. I have tried not to. I think I did not desire the equality you speak of." It has been a bitter shame in me for so very long.
"But it was a boy's desire. I put it aside, tried not to think on it." I do not know why I added the last - surely I have not thought on it at all.
"I cannot go back. That does not mean that if on occasion you should want to - do what we did before, that I would refuse you outright." I remember how I thought on that, how strange a thought it seemed. "But I cannot be your subordinate now."
Does that mean he wishes to always be the - dominant partner? But he presses his hand over my breast: "In bed as in the rest of my life, I want the - manly affections of a dear friend, someone who understands my mind and heart, and, yes, my body. But it is a great deal to ask, and although - although what we have just done was a great pleasure, if it risks your friendship I would not have it."
I look at him steadily. I am troubled, but - "It would take a great deal for you to lose my friendship, Allectus."
It is not what he is asking.
I breathe out hard. It is a hard thing to say. "I think I...could not be your friend alone, with what we have shared tonight."
no subject
Date: 2010-10-23 01:34 am (UTC)I want to soothe him, but I dare not, lest he thinks I patronise him.
"But it was a boy's desire. I put it aside, tried not to think on it."
"This is different," I say gravely. "Even if you wanted - It would still be different. Because of my regard for you."
"It would take a great deal for you to lose my friendship, Allectus."
My stomach tightens, waiting for him to say but. His face is so very grave that I cannot expect anything other than a rejection. And then he surprises me:
"I think I...could not be your friend alone, with what we have shared tonight."
I feel as if something is unfurling inside me, and at first I do not recognise it for what it is - for joy. It is an almost solemn feeling, and so I do not smile as I take his face in my hands.
"My dearest and best of friends," I say. "In all things." And I kiss him.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-23 01:43 am (UTC)His kiss has made my heart beat faster, but it is not like the desire of before. I put a hand on the back of his neck, rest my forehead against his. "In all things." It is like a vow.
I draw back a little, though my hand still curls around the strong warmth of his neck. "It is curious," I say. "It was your homecoming, and yet I find something of that in my own heart."
no subject
Date: 2010-10-23 01:51 am (UTC)His hand is warm against my neck, and I feel my heart beat faster.
"It was your homecoming, and yet I find something of that in my own heart."
My throat works, and for a moment I cannot speak.
"Of all things about returning," I say at last, "it was seeing you again I looked forward to most." I kiss him again, because it is easy to - because it is hard not to, with him so close to me when we have been apart for so long. "I never expected this," I say. "But it feels as if it is something for which I have waited without knowing." I stroke his cheek.