fortis cadere, cedere non potest

[al_shairan]

Several years ago, when Flavius Sulpicius Allectus is a young man returning from serving as tribunus laticlavius in Parthia. Having been away from Excolo for three years, tonight he visits the house of his patron and friend, Potitus Icilius Tetricus Crassipes...

I stand in the atrium of Tetricus' house. It feels strange, almost stranger than my return to my own home. I spent so many evenings here that it was more a home to me in my late boyhood and early manhood than my own house, but it has been years since I have been here. It looks the same, and different, and I find I am nervous.

It is not a very manly thing, to feel this way, especially not for a returning soldier. I am in uniform - I have not been decommissioned yet, officially, and I also had the idea that Tetricus might like to see it before I put it away and seek out my next position as a quaestor. I think I am done with the army, but Tetricus got me there, and it might please him to see the cuirass and striped tunic I wore as tribune. And I have the sense that I look well in it, which should not really matter to me but somehow seems to. I am quite certain Tetricus and I have put our former relationship behind us. No man of his standing would want to continue - being with a man of my age in that way, and now I am no longer so very young I should not want it. The first few months in Parthia I found I did miss being in bed with him, but that faded as it should, as my own tastes changed and grew into manhood. I am not delighted now by the idea of lying back on a couch with a man on top of me. I had - other experiences in Parthia that showed me that. Those experiences were not altogether what one expects of an Excolan man, but I think I am in all other regards manly enough for people to turn a blind eye to it. What I found was that I missed him. Our friendship has grown in our absence from one another, which is strange. Perhaps it was easier to talk when he was not distracted by my beauty and I was not so shy of his status. It is easier, often, to be honest on the page. Or so I have found. We are friends now truly, I think, more than we were before. I hope that translates into everyday life. That alone must explain my nerves, surely.

Adjusting my helmet under my arm, I wait for the slave to return with Tetricus.

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[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Now that I am past the peak his short hard thrusts hurt more, but I can endure them for the sounds he makes, the feel of his hands grinding my hipbones. It is an unsought pleasure, surprising. I do not feel it when he comes, not the spill of him inside me, only the sound he makes and the last drives and twitches of his hips.

He lies heavily against me, and my arms will not hold us both in my state. I let myself down onto the couch, his weight pressing me into it, and we are there in gasping silence for a while, flesh joined to flesh. Our sweat is mingled, and I have never felt so close to another person.

After a little time I move under him, needing to stretch my muscles. And to make some sense of this, though I do not yet feel the horror that I thought would come.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

We lie together, and I am not sure I have ever felt quite like this, so satisfied - not just in body, but in mind. It feels, somehow, like resolution.

After a time he shifts under me, and so I roll off him onto my side. I drop an arm across him, stroke his back a little. I hope he does not now regret what we have done.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

We rest against each other so easily, as if there had not been years between this and the last time we touched. It eases some of the concern that's growing in my belly.

"Allectus - " I say at last. I am reaching for words, unsure how I feel. "That - I have never done that."

It is a foolish thing to say; he knows I have not. A thought comes on the heels of it: "Who taught you that?" What other men have touched his skin? - did someone do that to him, drive down upon him and push themselves inside - the thought disturbs me.

His hand on my back is steadying. My arse and thighs feel sticky-slick with cooling oil, unpleasant.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"That - I have never done that."

He turns his head to look at me, and I stroke him more firmly to reassure him. I feel very tenderly toward him in this moment.

"Who taught you that?"

I set my elbow on the couch and put my chin on my hand.

"No one taught me," I say. "Not in the way I think you mean, as you - as you taught me the earliest pleasures that did not come from my own hand. I had no - mentor in this." There is no other you in my life, Tetricus. I rest my hand on the small of his back. "On my arrival in Parthia, my legatus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legatus_legionis) made it clear that he desired me. He propositioned me, and I was offended, because he wanted to treat me as his boy, and I knew I had become a man. But there were other men in the camp who were interested in things other than lying between the thighs of a boy, and who had a different kind of intimacy with native men, and with each other. It took me a while to learn this, because it was not widely spoken of, but when I discovered it I found myself fascinated..." My fingers play with the fine hair at the base of his spine. "It seemed to speak to some part of me, a part that had been growing even toward the end of our time together," I say. "A desire to really experience a man's body, its hard muscles and sweat and stubble. People say a man desiring a man is not proper, but to me it seems a union of greater fairness than a man and a boy, or even a man and a woman. Only men are equals, after all, and I wanted - a vigorous equality, a coming together." I feel a little self-conscious as I add: "but I did not really experience that until - now."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"I had no - mentor in this." That pleases me more than I expected. To be sure I had thought we had put our relationship behind us, but the idea of someone taking my place is...disturbing to me.

"On my arrival in Parthia, my legatus made it clear that he desired me. He propositioned me, and I was offended, because he wanted to treat me as his boy, and I knew I had become a man."

I half sit up. "What is his name? I shall - " I do not know that I can have him broken, but I can work against him without a doubt. There are many ways to ruin a man.

I fight back my natural - natural? - feeling of revulsion at the men he speaks of. "I found myself fascinated... It seemed to speak to some part of me, a part that had been growing even toward the end of our time together. A desire to really experience a man's body, its hard muscles and sweat and stubble."

I look at him thoughtfully, at his own hard and sweating body. I do not wish to judge him, even with that roil of distaste in my gut. Is it a desire that I have had before?

"I have never thought to seek that out," I say quietly. Perhaps he is simply more imaginative than I. "When I was young, and looked to older men...then, perhaps. Unlike you I had no one to lead me; the man who was my patron acted to me as a father, not a lover." I was never borne down under a man's body as he was, though oh, I had the desire, indeed. Hard muscles and sweat and stubble.

I put that aside long ago.

I am picking my way through thoughts and words, slow and careful. I do not want to offend him, but neither will I offer him dishonesty. "I have been satisfied with the desires I have. Or so I thought. There have perhaps been times when I have wished for something more - vigorous?" This was certainly that.

There were times, too, when he was a boy, that I wished to do more than touch him with my hand. I remember my mouth feeling dry as I looked at his prick, and I still feel shame at that. He was not the only one I felt that for, either. I do not think I can confess that yet.

"But I have been - lonely," I say, to what he says of equals. "I care for Calida deeply, and she is an admirable helpmeet, but...."

I take a breath, and put a hand over his heart. "I am disturbed by this, my friend," I say honestly. I mean afraid, though I will not say it. "And it is strange to me that I must look to you as a guide, given what has been between us. A vigorous equality - I did not think to seek for it in bed."

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"What is his name? I shall - "

I shake my head.

"There is no need," I say. "He tried to make my life miserable after I refused him, but I bore it as a man should, and he tired of it. And I had more affection from the men than he did, in part because they saw that he abused me, too. It gave us a sort of bond."

"I have never thought to seek that out. When I was young, and looked to older men...then, perhaps. Unlike you I had no one to lead me; the man who was my patron acted to me as a father, not a lover."

"Do you wish you had a lover when you were a boy?" I ask, curious.

He continues talking of desire, and he sounds cautious, so cautious, and it is a stark contrast to his abandon of a little while ago. It makes me nervous, that he will try to explain all this away. But he puts his hand over my heart, and the gesture makes me breathe out with some kind of relief.

"I am disturbed by this, my friend. And it is strange to me that I must look to you as a guide, given what has been between us. A vigorous equality - I did not think to seek for it in bed."

"I cannot go back," I say seriously. "That does not mean," I say, feeling awkward, "that if on occasion you should want to - do what we did before, that I would refuse you outright. But I cannot be your subordinate now." I think it would break my heart, but that is too foolish to say. His hand is warm on my chest, and I put my own hand over his heart. "In bed as in the rest of my life," I say, "I want the - manly affections of a dear friend, someone who understands my mind and heart, and, yes, my body." I drop my hand. "But it is a great deal to ask, and although - although what we have just done was a great pleasure, if it risks your friendship I would not have it."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

He declines my offer of revenge. Well, that is his right, and I understand what he is saying. But I will bear the knowledge in mind, and should I find a chance - well. I promise nothing.

"Do you wish you had a lover when you were a boy?"

He did the same thing in his letters: go to the heart of what I have not said, swift and sure. "I would be different now," I say thoughtfully, "in this matter. I had - desires like those you speak of. Or no - "

Gods help me. I sit up a little, and it is hard for me to look at him. "I have not thought on it for many years. I have tried not to. I think I did not desire the equality you speak of." It has been a bitter shame in me for so very long.

"But it was a boy's desire. I put it aside, tried not to think on it." I do not know why I added the last - surely I have not thought on it at all.

"I cannot go back. That does not mean that if on occasion you should want to - do what we did before, that I would refuse you outright." I remember how I thought on that, how strange a thought it seemed. "But I cannot be your subordinate now."

Does that mean he wishes to always be the - dominant partner? But he presses his hand over my breast: "In bed as in the rest of my life, I want the - manly affections of a dear friend, someone who understands my mind and heart, and, yes, my body. But it is a great deal to ask, and although - although what we have just done was a great pleasure, if it risks your friendship I would not have it."

I look at him steadily. I am troubled, but - "It would take a great deal for you to lose my friendship, Allectus."

It is not what he is asking.

I breathe out hard. It is a hard thing to say. "I think I...could not be your friend alone, with what we have shared tonight."

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"I have not thought on it for many years. I have tried not to. I think I did not desire the equality you speak of."

I want to soothe him, but I dare not, lest he thinks I patronise him.

"But it was a boy's desire. I put it aside, tried not to think on it."

"This is different," I say gravely. "Even if you wanted - It would still be different. Because of my regard for you."

"It would take a great deal for you to lose my friendship, Allectus."

My stomach tightens, waiting for him to say but. His face is so very grave that I cannot expect anything other than a rejection. And then he surprises me:

"I think I...could not be your friend alone, with what we have shared tonight."

I feel as if something is unfurling inside me, and at first I do not recognise it for what it is - for joy. It is an almost solemn feeling, and so I do not smile as I take his face in my hands.

"My dearest and best of friends," I say. "In all things." And I kiss him.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

He holds my face and kisses me. And this time I meet his kiss readily, and it is sweet. A strange word between men, but I can think of no other. "My dearest and best of friends. In all things."

His kiss has made my heart beat faster, but it is not like the desire of before. I put a hand on the back of his neck, rest my forehead against his. "In all things." It is like a vow.

I draw back a little, though my hand still curls around the strong warmth of his neck. "It is curious," I say. "It was your homecoming, and yet I find something of that in my own heart."

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"In all things."

His hand is warm against my neck, and I feel my heart beat faster.

"It was your homecoming, and yet I find something of that in my own heart."

My throat works, and for a moment I cannot speak.

"Of all things about returning," I say at last, "it was seeing you again I looked forward to most." I kiss him again, because it is easy to - because it is hard not to, with him so close to me when we have been apart for so long. "I never expected this," I say. "But it feels as if it is something for which I have waited without knowing." I stroke his cheek.